122 result(s) for Funny Holiday Quotes.
"There's nothing like a Christmas holiday to rejuvenate your spirit."
"I love spending time with my family. I have a lot of that on my calendar this holiday season, and it’s going to be a lot of fun."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Well, most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own presents."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red."
"If you don’t believe in Santa, you get underwear."
"It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Unless you’re in retail."
"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard."
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"A Christmas tree isn’t just ornaments and lights. It’s a story of joy and family in tree form."
"It's not the holiday itself that makes me happy, but all the food I can eat."
"Holidays are a time to count your blessings, but eat first."
"Nothing is as mean as giving a bobblehead as a gift."
"I told my kids Santa was a fairy, but they just looked at me confused. Apparently, they only believed in the fairy."
"I’d like to be a millionaire. A great Christmas gift, or two would do!"
"This is where the fun starts. Everyone dies, but no one really dies."
"At Christmas, all roads lead home."
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"I can’t wait to decorate the house and eat all sorts of holiday treats like candy canes, cookies, and cakes. Oh, wait. My New Year’s resolution is to lose weight…"
"I’ve seen many memes saying Christmas is for kids. I’d like to agree with them, but my inner-child never left."
"The Christmas spirit is a spirit of giving and sharing. At least until the sale ends."
"The best part of this holiday season? Turning off my phone and binging my favorite TV shows in pajamas."
"The true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart. Namely, in the food it gets to eat!"
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"The holidays are a time when you get a few weeks of indulgence and then regret it in January."
"What do you call a reindeer who tells jokes? Santa’s little ho-ho-hos!"
"There are only two kinds of people in the world: The people who love Christmas and the people who are wrong."
"A Christmas shopping guide: Buy low, sell high, and don’t get caught."
"I'm so glad we have the holiday season to stop pretending that we like the people we work with."
"The worst part of the holiday season is when you realize your fountain of youth is actually a bottle of spiked eggnog."
"At Christmas, tea time is a chance to slow down, pull back, and appreciate our surroundings."
"I'm going to chop off a huge branch from my Christmas tree and use it as a reminder of my bad decisions."
"It's all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list."
"A holiday is just a way to avoid work for a little while longer."
"The only thing I know for sure is that I’m not going to lose weight during the holidays."
"Nothing like a little holiday stress to ruin your festive spirit."
"I told Santa you were good this year and he hasn’t stopped laughing since."
"I’d like to exchange this holiday spirit for a Starbucks gift card."
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"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Especially during the holidays."
"Why is Christmas the same as your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit."
"Some say the world will end in fire; some say in ice. But I say it will end in fruitcake."
"Dear Santa, I can explain... just check my browser history."
"This holiday season, may your house be too small to hold all your friends."
"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick butt."
"I wish you all the joy of the holiday season, just not in excess like Aunt Mabel!"
"Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you're home."
"My holiday wish is to avoid all the holiday wishes!"
"The greatest gift of all is to try not to throw a tantrum when you don’t get what you wanted."
"If you think that the holidays escalate your stress levels, just wait until you get to the family reunions."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been naughty, and I would like a naughty Christmas!"
"December is the month when we all act like we are in a Hallmark movie."
"The thrill of a holiday gift is often equaled only by the thrill of putting it on the credit card."
"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and spiders."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"A husband is what is left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed."
"The holiday season is a time for remembering what you have, and also for remembering what you forgot to return."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"May your hats fly as high as your dreams."
"I think the reason we are all so busy during the holidays is because most of us can't remember which ones we forgot to send cards to last year."
"My mother told me there would be days like these, but she never said there would be so many."
"Nothing is as cool as Christmas; it's the most wonderful time of the year, and presents are just a bonus!"
"At Christmas, tea is not a luxury, it's a necessity."
"Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people once a year."
"I put so much thought into my holiday gift list, my brain developed a cramp."
"If you can’t find the holiday spirit, it’s probably hiding under the pile of ‘things to return.’"
"Holiday cookies are kind of like a way of saying, 'I love you,' and 'I hope you don't gain too much weight.'"
"Every year it’s the same story: I say I won’t eat too much at the holiday feast, and then I get stuff by the truckload!"
"Holiday memories are made of sugar, spice, and everything nice – if only I could remember where I hid the cookies!"
"Dear Santa, I can explain..."
"A Christmas without cookies is like a holiday without joy."
"Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh… unless you’re the horse."
"It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters, it’s who’s gathered around it. Because we all know the tree costs too much."
"You know you’re getting old when you can’t remember your password but you can remember every word to ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.’"
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!"
"I love spending time with my family. It’s like having a high school reunion, but without the awkwardness. Just give everyone some eggnog and we’re good to go."
"There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to drink half a bottle of scotch and then switch on the all night Christmas music."
"We feast on turkey and stuffing, but the real winner is the couch that we will be patting ourselves on after a week of holiday indulgence."
"The only thing I like better than Christmas is dressing up for it."
"At Christmas, we have a tradition of buying each other gifts from the clearance section."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’m drinking the red."
"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... and I can't find my credit card."
"Dear Santa, I can explain…"
"Christmas is a day of meaning and traditions, a special time spent with family and friends. A day of hope and peace."
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."
"I told my kids Santa is still real, but he’s a millennial now, so they might not get their gifts until after Christmas."
"Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money."
"Nothing says holiday cheer like a room full of family and a drink in my hand."
"You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas lights."
"The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
"It's the most wonderful time of the year—when you can blame your behavior on the eggnog!"
"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has obviously never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."
"The magic of Christmas is not in the presents, but in His presence."
"Let’s be honest, the Christmas spirit is just alcohol in disguise."
"Just remember, the holiday season is all about love, cheer, and how much you can eat without feeling guilty!"
"You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
"My favorite part about the holidays is getting to wear ugly sweaters and pretending I can sing 'Jingle Bells'."
"The greatest gift of all is not how much you spend, but how much you can consume."
"A holiday is an opportunity to journey within."
"The main purpose of the holiday is to enjoy the little things in life, like a day off work."
"I love how the holiday season brings out the best in people—their ability to be kind, generous and reflective, and also their ability to complain about the weather."
"Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1621."
"A great holiday is when you can eat twice your weight in turkey and still feel great."
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."
"Every time I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and says, ‘Eat me!’"
"The only thing I love more than the holidays is the sales after the holidays."
"Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Most of it was just bad luck."
"My favorite holiday tradition is watching movies that remind me of what real life is like. As in, I don’t live in a two-story house that is fully decorated with Christmas lights."
"Vacation calories don’t count."
"The most wonderful time of the year is when I can eat all the pie I want."
"If you think about it, Christmas is the perfect time to go hungry. You can stare at all that food and not eat anything, and everyone will think it’s part of the diet you’re on."
"The holiday season: where shopping and stress levels are equally high."
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!"
"It’s the most wonderful time of the year... until you try to park your car."
"Holiday cheer is great, but so is taking a nap"
"I think it’s time for a vacation. Am I right?"
"I can’t wait for December! I love the feeling of a holiday procrastination!"
"On News Year's Eve, I just prefer to stay up and disregard all the sleep I should’ve gotten."
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-bushels of cranberry sauce are returned to the refrigerator, covered, for a nibble at lunch the next day. It’s the only time I know of that people are truly thankful for leftovers."
"Let’s be honest: the only reason we put up with all the family gatherings is so we can eat something that we didn’t have to prepare."
"All I really want for Christmas is for everyone to stop fighting over who gets to pick the Christmas movie."
"The holidays are a time to relax and do absolutely nothing... or to make a mess of doing it."
"The only thing I love more than the holiday season is a black Friday sale!"
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