63 result(s) for Dwight Schrute Quotes.
"I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and mongoose… And a panther."
"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me."
"There’s too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
"I am Schrute. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
"I am one of the highest-ranking members of the writing staff."
"Ritual is important to us. Except that I forgot my bulls head mask, so I'm gonna have to sit this one out."
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"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier."
"My cat shunned me. She’s become a member of the Dharma initiative."
"Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is also like a tiger. And Ryan is like one of those snakes that, like, eats a tiger."
"I don't want someone sucking up to me because they think I don't suck."
"I put a piece of paper in the chicken nuggets because I find that it’s too dry."
"I am a Sith Lord."
"I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office."
"I am not a hero. I put my pants on, just like the rest of you, one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I manage the office."
"Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself?"
"I am [Insert your name here]. Identity theft is not a joke. Millions of families suffer every year!"
"Schrute farms is more than just a bed and breakfast. It is an agrotourism oasis."
"I never sleep, I wait."
"I am fast. To give you a reference point, I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose... And a panther."
"Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
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"I do not fear bears, even the ones that run gangs in Russia. Toughen up, Gorbachev."
"Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica."
"All you need to make a beet salad is some beets, some mayonnaise, and a few onions. But of course, nobody will ever eat it."
"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!"
"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
"I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible."
"Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."
"When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
"It is not a good idea to let Andy Bernard entertain at your wedding. But it’s an even worse idea to let him plan your wedding."
"You couldn't handle my undivided attention."
"I am a black belt in gift wrapping."
"Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones."
"I am Assistant Regional Manager. No, I am Assistant TO the Regional Manager."
"I have been Michael's Number Two for about five years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like… Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy."
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"I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you?"
"Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague."
"If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle."
"I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose... And a panther."
"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
"I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me."
"Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."
"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year."
"I don't believe in ghosts, but they are very real to me."
"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."
"I am better than you have ever been or ever will be."
"Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."
"It is not prostitution if you love them."
"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
"How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…"
"I never take vacations. I'm always working. And I never complain."
"I am a master of fear."
"I've out-Pranked you. You are now my assistant."
"I am at home in the clouds."
"People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Try not to."
"I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on, and I will succeed."
"I don't care what Jim says. That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
"How dare you. It's beyond my control. It's in the fiber of my being. I am not a man. I am an animal."
"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."
"I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy."
"I can lose well. That's just the way I was raised."
"Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."
"I am faster than 80% of all snakes."
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