88 result(s) for Funny Drinking Quotes.
"I only drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not."
"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."
"I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't find a drink."
"I drink champagne when I'm happy and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I'm not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it."
"I don't drink water. Fish fornicate in it."
"I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini."
"Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine."
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"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
"There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others."
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
"Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it."
"Wine is sunlight, held together by water."
"I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved."
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on."
"Why limit happy to an hour?"
"A drink precedes a story."
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."
"I drink to forget I drink."
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do."
"I drink only to make my friends seem interesting."
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
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"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning."
"Some of the best days of my life were spent sitting on the back porch drinking beer."
"I don't have a drinking problem, 'Cept when I can't get a drink."
"I drink Champagne when I win, to celebrate. And I drink Champagne when I lose, to console myself."
"Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right."
"Everything in the world is better with a beer."
"I have mixed drinks about feelings."
"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol."
"I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year - when it's my birthday and when it's not."
"In heaven there is no beer... That's why we drink it here."
"You can't buy happiness but you can buy beer, and that's kind of the same thing."
"I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made."
"Why is the rum always gone?"
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"I only drink on days that end in 'y'."
"Life isn’t all beer and skittles, but beer and skittles aren’t bad, all the same."
"To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a support group."
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
"I drink beer to water the garden of my mind."
"Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable."
"I'm not drunk, I'm just avoiding reality in a sophisticated manner."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
"I have to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
"Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about a solution to a bad day."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
"In wine, there's truth."
"To me, drink responsibly means don't spill it."
"There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne."
"I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink."
"Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."
"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it."
"In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people."
"I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host."
"I only drink champagne on two occasions: when I'm in love and when I'm not."
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
"One martini is alright. Two are too many, and three are not enough."
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
"Here's to alcohol, the rose-colored glasses of life."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Why is it that when one man builds a wall, the next man immediately needs to know what's on the other side?"
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."
"Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine."
"I feel bad for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
"I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not."
"It's a great advantage not to drink among hard drinking people."
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes."
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy."
"I drink to make other people more interesting."
"To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems."
"Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer."
"There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others."
"I never drink when I have work to do, what gets me through is knowing that I can have a drink when the work is done."
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."
"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."
"Drinking is fun! It makes you feel better but not see better."
"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
"I would give all the wealth of the world, and all the deeds of all the heroes, for one true vision."
"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Knock, no one home."
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