27 result(s) for Humorous Quotes.
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
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"I have a great sense of humor. I just don’t have a great sense of logic."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"I can’t wait to retire. I’m going to complain about being retired."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm not really fluffy. I'm a little on the plump side."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I used to be a ball boy for the tennis circuit. It was a pretty good gig, but also kind of short-lived."
"I'm not short. I'm fun size."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I think my wife is a little crazy… did I mention she’s on medication? Oh yeah, she fights crime too."
"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."
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"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it’s you."
"There’s nothing funny about a comedian who’s not funny."
"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will get that joke."
"If you're going to be late, don't forget to tell me. That's the only way I won't be exploded with worry."
"I’m so glad we had that talk. I never really cared what you thought in the first place."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
