118 result(s) for Funny Tax Quotes.
"I love taxes. They're the only thing that keeps me from being rich."
"Tax day is the day I get to show my accountant all my expenses for that month...you know, like my dentist bills."
"Nothing is certain but death and taxes, and death doesn’t get worse every year."
"The tax collector must love poor people; he’s creating so many of them."
"The only thing worse than a person who pays taxes is a person who doesn't."
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
"If you think that you can’t be without taxes, you should try sending money to the government."
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"There’s only one thing worse than a bad accountant—a great accountant."
"If we had a good tax system, we wouldn't need accountants at all."
"My accountant told me I should start investing. So I built a treehouse."
"Why was the accountant so good at saving money? Because he knew how to 'depreciate!'"
"The IRS is the only institution that can take a person's liberty and their ability to earn a living."
"I was going to be an accountant, but then I realized they don’t get a lot of attention."
"You can’t escape from taxes; the only way to avoid them is to die."
"Why do they call it ‘income tax’? Because it makes the deficit disappear!"
"I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you when it comes to taxes."
"How can a government take money from me that I haven't even earned yet?!"
"Accountants are just tax collectors without the sense of humor."
"Taxation is just a fancy way of saying, 'We're going to take your money and make it ours.'"
"You can’t have everything in life — where would you put it?"
"I told my accountant I want to maximize my tax deduction. He said I could simply be dead."
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"Someone stole my Microsoft office and they wouldn’t let me write it off on my tax return."
"If the government wants to raise taxes, they should just take everyone’s recommendations."
"The only thing certain in life is death and taxes."
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is – I could be just as proud for half the money."
"The tax code is like a family of spiders. There’s too many of them, and you can’t kill them all."
"I think it's a good idea to take a moment to consider what’s about to happen in the tax season: losing a lot of money."
"I finally learned how to make money by claiming my personal life as a business expense."
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
"Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces."
"The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
"I thought I was a good person until I realized how much I owed in taxes."
"The IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
"What is a tax audit? It’s about as pleasant as a tooth extraction."
"A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it’s tax reform."
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"To me, taxes are like the green light on a scale; I rely on it, but I wouldn’t want to see the details."
"The only things in life that are certain are death, taxes, and the fact that your tax return will be audited."
"Taxpayer: Someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service exam."
"I don’t think my taxes are high enough. They should send me a bill for more."
"The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax."
"You can't escape taxes, but you can always decrease them... by paying them."
"A penny saved is a tax avoided."
"Income taxes are like the weather; they are always changing and you can’t do much about it."
"Be careful to leave your children well-instructed regarding the unhappy aftermath of their choices, especially concerning taxes."
"The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch—right before I file my taxes."
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the tax return."
"The only thing certain in life is death and taxes. And taxes are worse because they come every year."
"I can't wait to hear that tax code explained in simple English. In the meantime, let’s just say that I owe a lot of money!"
"The tax collector must love poor people; they are so very generous."
"There are two certainties in life: death and taxes. But at least with death you can get some sleep!"
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right."
"I got a tax refund last year. I’ve spent it all on taxes!"
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets."
"Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menace."
"In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes — and that the IRS is going to take as much of your money as they can."
"The only thing worse than a bad tax return is a scary haunted house!"
"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf has."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword is very short, and the pen is really expensive. Just like taxes."
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police do. That’s about how fast taxes can change too!"
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. Just like tax season."
"I paid my taxes today. It was the least I could do for ruining the economy."
"What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."
"I’ve always said that the best way to keep your friends is to owe them money – especially when tax season rolls around."
"The IRS is like a dog that chases cars. They just want to catch you and then watch you suffer!"
"A successful tax return is like a really good magic trick: no one has any idea how you made it happen."
"There’s nothing wrong with a little tax avoidance – just make sure you bring a shovel!"
"The IRS doesn’t believe in dreams because they’re too busy pursuing your reality!"
"The only difference between a tax man and a moose is that the tax man allows you to stay in your car."
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
"There are two certainties in life: death and taxes. And taxes are still worse because they come while you're alive."
"Taxes are what we pay for civilized society."
"I don't mind that I'm going to Boeing. I just hope they'll let me come back to the IRS in the spring."
"It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for."
"If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The tax collector must be a very hard man, because he’s the only one who can take a man’s life and keep a portion of it for himself."
"A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform."
"There’s no such thing as a good tax."
"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."
"The principle of spending money to be paid back later is a rare and admirable thing."
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
"I do wish I could see you soon. This is my tax season, so you know how busy I am."
"The only time I feel good about my taxes is when I get a refund."
"The tax code is a monster, an absolute monster, a tribulation for good people to bear."
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping."
"The tax code is like a game of Monopoly with a million rules."
"While I am alive, I shall pay taxes. I draw the line, however, at paying taxes when I am dead."
"In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes, and the latter is much worse."
"There's no crying in baseball, but there is in taxes."
"For every tax problem, there is a solution. The only problem is getting the IRS to agree."
"Death and taxes are part of life. Taxes are the part that really hurts."
"Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes—and a tax bill."
"The IRS: Because sometimes, you just need to be audited."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin on."
"The IRS spends God knows how much of your money to make sure you don’t get away with keeping a dime of it."
"I think it's a good idea to be wary of any tax break you'd get from a company whose business model is tax evasion."
"In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."
"I love taxes. They're the price we pay for a civilized society."
"There’s nothing certain in this world but death and taxes."
"It’s a poor idea to be a tax procrastinator. The IRS doesn’t take excuses — it only takes money."
"The briefest way to learn taxes is to pick up the phone, call, and ask the IRS why you didn’t get your refund."
"Death and taxes are inevitable; however, death doesn’t get worse every year."
"A tax collector is a person who works for the government in the claim of maintenance of public order."
"I don't mind paying taxes. I just mind paying for things that I don't want or need."
"We are all connected to each other in ways that we don’t often realize, mainly through taxes."
"The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward."
"It is a paradox that tax-cutting should be put in its own special category when it is merely common sense."
"You can’t be cynical and still be successful in the tax business."
"If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion about taxes."
"A tax is a fine for doing well."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments; if you think nobody cares about your taxes, try not paying them."
"The tax collector must be more than a collector; he must also be a good educator."
"The only way to avoid paying taxes is to die, and then you still have to pay estate taxes."
"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you miserable while you're paying your taxes."
"Taxes are what we pay for a civilized society."
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