114 result(s) for Funny Bro Quotes.
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I'm on the patch right now, I'm patching my way to success."
"I’m just here to avoid friends on Facebook."
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"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you."
"I would like to be able to make a mistake - but life has no undo button."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I don't need to kick my own butt. I can just sit here and relax while life does it for me."
"I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"I had a bag of Fritos. I had a bag of Fritos. I was in support of your life choices."
"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it’s probably just a septic tank."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"Why don’t we ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"You can't make everybody happy. You're not a taco."
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"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If we aren't supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"In my defense, I was left unsupervised."
"I’m on an alcohol-free diet. So far, I’ve lost three days."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit."
"I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
"My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry."
"It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
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"I don’t get why people are so afraid of heights. I mean, I’d be afraid of lows!"
"I was going to tell you a joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience."
"I’ve just heard that I’m going to be a grandparent. This is going to be a bit of a stretch, but I’ll manage!"
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did."
"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."
"If you and I were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I would miss you so much."
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'"
"Real friendship is when your friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap."
"I can't believe you fell for that! You're dumber than a box of rocks!"
"We're best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will be there to catch you... After I finish laughing."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"Good friends don’t let you do stupid things... alone."
"I like you a latte. You're my best friend with the best brews!"
"Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don’t speak English."
"You're the peanut butter to my jelly."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
"Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth."
"The only thing better than having you for a friend is having you as my brother."
"I was an innocent being, then my best friend came along."
"I know that you’re not a bad person, but you sure have bad ideas."
"It's not a party until the local authorities show up."
"Friends forever... unless we fight over food."
"We're all a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
"You’re my favorite notification."
"If you’re able to find humor in anything, you can survive it."
"Friendship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"You know you’re best friends when you can sit in silence and still have a blast."
"I have a fear of speed bumps. But I’m slowly getting over it."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I don’t make mistakes. I make spontaneous creative decisions."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I would like to be a queen, but I would want people to eat cake, not just talk about it."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!"
"I drink coffee for your protection."
"If we weren’t supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"I finally got around to reading 'The Art of War.' You know what? It’s a lot harder to visualize than you’d think."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"You can’t make everybody happy. You’re not a taco."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"They say laughter is the best medicine. But if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine."
"I just found out I'm colorblind. The news came out of the purple."
"Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work out, there are 25 more letters!"
"I would lose weight, but I hate losing."
"I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"My friend said, 'You can't see me.' I said, 'Can you see me?' He said, 'No.' I said, 'Well, technically, you're still seeing me.'"
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure."
"I wonder if you're still mad at me. I guess I'll never know since you blocked me on everything."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Never trust an atom; they make up everything."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I'm not short, I'm fun-sized!"
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If you thought I was bad at texting you back, wait until you see how bad I am at giving you my phone number."
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