82 result(s) for Funny And Hilarious Quotes.
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
"I used to go missing a lot. Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"A word to the wise ain't necessary; it's the stupid ones who need advice."
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"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it."
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
"When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
"Is there a doctor in the house? My kingdom for a doctor!"
"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just in energy saving mode."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
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"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
"I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time."
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"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"In my house, I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker."
"You're only as good as your last haircut."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"Change is not a four-letter word... but often your reaction to it is!"
"I don't want to die on stage. I don't want people to go, 'Is he still here?'"
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I'm very good at sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed."
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I have social anxiety in a way that I’ll go into a cafe and head straight for the toilet."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"I don't need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you."
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
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