127 result(s) for Snarky Christmas Quotes.
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his future remembered."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Well, most of it. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own presents."
"At Christmas, you can get away with things you can’t get away with all year round."
"Christmas is a magical time of year... I just want to know why my bank account is so empty and my fridge is so full."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’m drinking the red."
"Christmas is like a snowstorm; it makes the world beautiful and makes you feel bad when you don’t enjoy it."
"If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with... just bring a decent bottle of wine, will ya?"
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"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used a lot of tape. Now I can’t find my scissors."
"I told my kids Santa wasn’t real. Now they think I’m just a fat guy in a red suit."
"It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… and I’m not even ready for Thanksgiving yet!"
"Nothing says holiday spirit like a slim credit card."
"I love Christmas. I receive a lot of presents, because I’m so good at giving them everyone else."
"Christmas is the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks."
"I’m on the naughty list and I regret nothing."
"There are two kinds of people in the world: people who love Christmas and liars."
"Christmas is a stressful time of year when you have to make sure that the holiday spirit is just intoxicating enough."
"I love the Christmas traditions. Like spending your whole paycheck on things no one needs."
"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... a headache from all this Christmas cheer!"
"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear… or just sending an e-card."
"Christmas is not a time for baubles and bright lights; it's a time for poor spending decisions."
"I love how the big, fat Santa is said to fit through chimneys. My waistline can’t even fit through the front door!"
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"Just a reminder: Santa can’t see you when you’re sleeping, but he can definitely see your credit card bills."
"May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be filled with as much wine as you can handle."
"You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy Christmas cookies, and that’s kind of the same thing."
"I put so much thought into my Christmas shopping this year, I ended up with a splendid gift for myself."
"I put so much thought into Christmas gifts, it’s like my brain is a gift itself. And it comes wrapped in sarcasm."
"Dear Santa, I can explain! - Sincerely, Your Favorite Snarky Kid"
"Christmas is the only time of year when it’s perfectly fine to sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks."
"If you can’t wrap it in glitter, it probably doesn’t deserve to be given as a gift."
"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, and I’m still trying to figure out if it was consensual."
"Nothing says 'Happy Holidays' like a middle finger and a sarcastic grin."
"Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh... until you realize it’s broken and you’re stuck in the snow."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red."
"Christmas is a magical time of year: I can buy a round trip ticket to my childhood just by going into a store."
"Merry Christmas! May your family be functional and all your batteries be included."
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"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a snarky attitude."
"I hope Santa brings me a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t mix those up again this year, Santa!"
"Christmas: The only time of year when it's perfectly appropriate to yell at your family."
"If you think I’m wrapped up in Christmas spirit, you’d be mistaken. I’m just wrapped up in blankets."
"This holiday season, I’ll be spending time with my quotient of family dysfunction. It’s a Christmas miracle!"
"It’s not the holidays until you’re forced to sit next to someone who believes in conspiracy theories at the family dinner."
"Christmas is great, but let’s be real: the real joy is the half-off sales the day after."
"What do you mean, I’m on the naughty list? I prefer to think of it as being on Santa's 'sassy' list."
"Of course I have a list for Santa. It’s just written in sarcasm and topped with an eye-roll."
"Some of us can’t wait for the holidays to end, mainly because of the dramatic family reunions."
"May your holiday season be filled with as much joy as your social media feed at breakfast."
"Santa Claus is coming to town... and so are the inevitable awkward conversations!"
"I’m just here for the cookies and the perfectly baked excuses not to engage."
"It’s the thought that counts, what’s the thought again? Oh right – nothing for you!"
"I can’t wait to see what ridiculous holiday sweater my family picks out for me this year!"
"Christmas calories don’t count if you eat them wearing festive pajamas."
"Christmas is like a day at the beach. It’s full of presents, but you still end up getting sand in your shoes."
"I put so much thought into my holiday shopping, I didn’t realize until today that I was standing with a carton of eggs in my hand."
"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
"The holiday season is the only time I can sit on my couch for fifteen hours and eat cookies while watching everyone else's family act dysfunctional on TV."
"It's the most wonderful time of the year — for retail, that is."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own gifts."
"Nothing ruins Christmas more than the arrival of your relatives."
"At Christmas, you told me you'd never leave me. So I’m still waiting for you to come back because you forgot your presents."
"Christmas sweater: the only garment that lets you wear your sense of humor on your sleeve."
"I love the period of Christmas, though spending it with family means being closer to insanity."
"If you can’t take the heat, get out of the Christmas kitchen."
"Remember, the best gift can be found in the fridge at 2 a.m."
"‘Tis the season to be jolly, but let’s be real, we’re all just trying to make it to January."
"Christmas: a time of year when everyone wants to be together, but nobody wants to actually share a gift."
"I love Christmas! I receive a ton of presents. It's like my birthday, but instead of a baby, you've got a tree."
"If ‘Bah, Humbug!’ was a lifestyle, I’d be an influencer."
"There's nothing worse than a Christmas that lacks snark."
"Christmas time is great, except for all this holiday cheer I have to pretend to feel."
"One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day."
"Fake Christmas cheer needs to go on a holiday diet."
"If you see a Christmas tree, expect something ridiculous to happen underneath it."
"Christmas time: when the only thing overstuffed is my belly after that holiday dinner."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas... but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red."
"You know you're getting older when Santa starts looking younger."
"That’s the spirit of Christmas: make sure everyone else is merry while you’re plotting your ways to leave early."
"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, 'Toys not included.'"
"It’s that time of year again when you spend a bunch of money on gifts for people you barely tolerate."
"Christmas is a baubles and tinsel time of year, where people send you pictures of their over-decorated houses."
"I told Santa I wanted a fat bank account and a slim body. I’m still waiting."
"Men are like Christmas lights. They all hang in a ball, and half of them don’t work."
"If you think that Santa isn’t real, realize that he’s just your dad sneaking more cookies."
"There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"A Christmas tree isn’t just decorations. It’s a tartan blanket claiming the entire living room floor."
"At Christmas, you can get away with killing your cats. It’s all about the presents anyway."
"Every year I buy my kids a bigger tree… and they keep expecting the same amount of presents."
"If you can’t find a reason to be jolly, then look at the stress on your face from the holiday rush."
"Christmas isn't a time for discussion. It's a time for gathering around and yelling at family!"
"Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle! It’s Christmas, not a competition."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year. Well, mostly. I’ll be good next year, too, I promise!"
"It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving. Just kidding! It’s about the money."
"The only thing getting lit this weekend is my holiday spirit."
"Christmas is a magical time of year... just like going broke is a magical way to ruin your January."
"The reason the elves can’t do it all is they’re stuck in Santa’s workshop with no caffeine!"
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way... I’m just jingling because I forgot where I parked my sleigh."
"Christmas calories don’t count, right? Unless your scale disagrees!"
"The main purpose of Christmas is to remind yourself how much you dislike your relatives."
"Hoping your Christmas is filled with relatives who don’t overstay their welcome."
"It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Said no one dealing with family drama."
"Bah, humbug! Oh wait, wrong holiday. But it still fits!"
"I told Santa I wanted a fat bank account and a slim body. He said, 'You’re getting a hollowed-out cookie and a treadmill.'"
"Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you're home."
"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red."
"Christmas: The only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks."
"Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Well, most of the year. Okay, some of the year. Forget it. I’ll buy my own gifts."
"If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. But I still prefer to be on a beach somewhere."
"You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
"My favorite holiday tradition is getting drunk and arguing with my family."
"Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like a giant bank statement."
"‘Tis the season to be stuck in traffic."
"Christmas is a magical time of year… but it’s really just an excuse to eat cookies."
"I’m so glad I learned about parallelograms in school. It’s really useful when I’m wrapping presents."
"The only reason I enjoy this season is because my cocoa has extra marshmallows and a splash of rum."
"Santa’s a great guy, but have you seen my credit card bill?"
"I’m only a morning person on December 25th."
"On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… nothing, because I’m single."
"I don’t know what my mother would say if Santa got stuck in our chimney. Probably something like, 'Get back to work!'"
"‘Tis the season to be jolly… just as long as you don’t ask me to sing."
"Dear Santa, I have been good all year. Well, most of it. Okay, some of it. But how was I to know you had a camera in the bathroom?"
"You better not pout, you better not cry, I’m telling you why: Christmas is about to drive you crazy!"
"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month."
"This Christmas, let’s pass on the hustle and bustle and focus more on the bustle and hustle of the couch."
"Remember, there is no such thing as a Christmas spirit. It’s just a way to justify that extra eggnog."
"My Christmas wishlist? A nap and zero family drama."
"You know it’s Christmas when you have to push aside the bills to get to the cookies."
"I could give up Christmas, but I’m not a quitter."
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