102 result(s) for Funny Quotes By Famous People.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I'm on the patch right now. I think I might be the first person to be able to get drunk on a patch."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I've learned that if you put a little bit of effort in, you can make your life a lot worse."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up."
"You can't be late until you show up."
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"Why is it called 'rush hour' when nothing moves?"
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I finally found a diet that works. I just don’t eat when I’m bored."
"To be happy, you must be a little crazy."
"I don’t need you to take care of me. I can take care of myself. I just need you to be there."
"The only reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I told my wife the truth. I said I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid."
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"I don't need you to be the reason I smile. I can smile without you."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."
"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good."
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
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"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I always thought that record stores were a kind of time travel. You just walk in and can go back to the time the music was made."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can’t wait to be the old man in the room who can tell everyone to get off my lawn."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you why you’re wrong."
"If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"Some people bring happiness wherever they go, and others whenever they go."
"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake."
"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me ads for vacation destinations."
"Marriage is the only war where one side sleeps with the enemy."
"I have a simple rule about people. If you don't treat me right, I'll ditch you. But if you do treat me right, don’t expect me to be loyal. You know what? I forget your name."
"I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything."
"I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth. She was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket. He said, 'How far do you think I can kick this bucket?'"
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I am convinced that happiness is a 'working' and not a 'waiting' attitude."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left."
"I have a love-hate relationship with my computer. I love it, but it doesn't love me back."
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"I think the world is going to end in 5 to 10 years. Maybe less. If that happens, I do want to be one of those would-be prophets, riding around in a convertible saying, 'I told you so!'"
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a great idea, I’d be a rich man."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"You can't put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the further you get."
"My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stopped scheduling appointments."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to be indecisive. But now I’m not too sure."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I stopped looking at my clock."
"I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"Don't worry if plan A doesn't work; the alphabet has 25 more letters!"
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I just want to be able to live in such a way that I will be a character in my own book."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
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