102 result(s) for Funny Relationship Quotes.
"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. After that, he’s finished."
"My wife and I had a wonderful honeymoon. We were in a fancy hotel and I had a big steak. She had a cold salad. I enjoyed my meal, but I could see she was not happy."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"
"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open."
"A happy marriage is like a castle that has been besieged; those outside, want to get in, and those inside, want to get out."
"Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops."
"Marriage: a ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the woman and the man’s bank account is put on the table."
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"A relationship is like a walk in the park... Jurassic Park."
"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. And sharing the remote control."
"It's not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer—and so does my spouse."
"The secret to a happy marriage is to be the one with the remote control."
"In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make—unless you forget their birthday."
"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."
"My wife is the most patient woman in the world, especially when I forget our anniversary."
"They say that marriage is a three-ring circus. One ring is the engagement ring, one ring is the wedding ring, and the other is suffering!"
"I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone, especially your spouse."
"A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it."
"A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to stop watching those crime shows."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife."
"The four most important words in any marriage: 'I’m sorry', 'I love you', 'We’re not having pizza again.'"
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"Relationships are like farting. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have kids. If we did, we’d have to pay for them."
"I wasn't always sure what I was doing. But I was always happy with it, especially when I was doing it with you."
"A relationship is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade."
"I would rather share a sunset with you than with anyone else in the world."
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
"I'm in a great place right now. Not emotionally, I'm just at the bar."
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
"Every time I try to talk to my wife, she says I’m trying to pick a fight. I’m just trying to have a conversation."
"My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside."
"A relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap."
"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade."
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"If you think you’re a bad driver, wait till you get in a car with your partner."
"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."
"The four most important words in any marriage: 'I’ll do the dishes.'"
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I don’t love you anymore.' And I told her the reason: 'I used to love you, and I lost that feeling. Now I am just used to you.'"
"In every great relationship, there’s a person who is the boss, and there’s a person who knows it."
"When someone asks you what you liked most about the person you're dating, just say, 'They have a great personality.' It works every time."
"I love you even when I’m hungry."
"Having a spouse is like having a best friend that you can’t get rid of. You’ll never have a dull moment."
"I married a guy who never pays attention to me. But then again, I also love being ignored."
"If you want to find out how to get along with your partner, try being married for a month. If you can make it, you’re set."
"Love is a two-way street. If you want to take the other lane, you better check for oncoming traffic."
"The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."
"Relationships are just two people trying to make each other laugh."
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake."
"The only thing worse than a person who is bad with commitment is a person who is even worse with matchmaking."
"Sometimes, the best relationship advice is to just pick your battles, remember that sometimes it’s okay to be wrong, and always eat dessert first."
"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband."
"My wife and I have been married for 35 years, and I can honestly say that I have never been bored for a single minute. Uncomfortable sometimes, but never bored."
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."
"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
"The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes."
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been extracted."
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"
"I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"Love is being stupid together."
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
"A woman will never look at you the same way she does when you're reaching for the remote."
"Couples that laugh together last together."
"Two people in love, alone, isolated from the world, that's beautiful."
"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."
"Life is a series of compromises. And that's the secret to a happy marriage."
"In some ways, marriages are like peanuts: you just have to find the right nut."
"Marriage is a test of endurance, physically and mentally."
"A true relationship is when you can tell each other anything and everything, and you know the other person won't judge you."
"If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you."
"I know we’re married, but that doesn’t mean I’m your blanket."
"My boyfriend and I met on the internet, and my mother asked him what line he used to get me. He said, 'I just clicked the mouse.'"
"Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
"I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life."
"Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left."
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
"I have a date. With a bag of chips."
"You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it."
"Don't marry the person you can live with. Marry the one you cannot live without."
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
"The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once."
"Love is a two-way street, but it’s mostly one-way for the person who has to put up with the other’s ‘quirks.’"
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
"Love is not about how many days, months, or years you have been together. Love is about how much you love each other every single day."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two time a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?"
"If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito."
"The best thing to hold onto in life is each other."
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