25 result(s) for Funny Dark Humor Quotes.
"I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, sanity and dreams."
"Last night, I dressed up as a door. I heard a lot of people saying, 'Let me in!'"
"I'm not sure what's tighter, my jeans or my anxiety."
"I follow two rules in life: 1, Do not tell everything you know."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."
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"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."
"I like my coffee black, like my soul."
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists."
"I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem."
"Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face, when you shove them down the stairs."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
"Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too."
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"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
