115 result(s) for Funny Quotes About People.
"I think we should take back the term 'nerd' and give it a little more sparkle."
"If we’re not supposed to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. He was like, 'You need to start seeing me more often.'"
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the treadmill."
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"I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"Never trust a skinny chef."
"I’ve learned that if you’re not first, you’re probably in a strong second place."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"Sometimes I wonder if I’m too old to be this immature."
"I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."
"The only reason we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."
"I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything."
"The best part of being over 40 is that you did most your stupid stuff before the internet."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach wallpapers."
"I'm not lazy. I'm just on my energy-saving mode."
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"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I'm on the patch right now, you know, the one for people who are addicted to Netflix."
"All people are phonies, and they don't even realize it."
"The only time I feel like a grown-up is when I am with children."
"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"In my day, we had to make our own fun. Now, you’ve got to make your own boredom."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day."
"I've learned that you can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you can't fool mom."
"People are like books. Some just have better covers."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm just a regular guy with an unusual name, and an unusual name with a regular guy."
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"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
"I can't wait to be responsible for my own mistakes."
"The problem with people is, they forget that most of the time it's a business deal."
"Why is it that when we talk to God, we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?"
"You can’t put a limit on anything. The more you dream, the farther you get."
"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure."
"I told my therapist about my addiction to Twitter. He’s unfollowing me."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If I had a dollar for every time I had too much to drink, I would have a dollar."
"I didn’t want to be a product of my environment. I wanted my environment to be a product of me."
"I’m on the patch right now for my iPhone addiction."
"I have an existential crisis every morning when I wake up."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"I finally learned how to use the Internet, and now I don’t even look at it."
"My therapist said I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"The only time I don’t have bad luck is when I am in a movie theater."
"I think I'm allergic to stupidity, because I break out in sarcasm."
"I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!"
"I see your Schwartz is as big as mine."
"As I get older, I remember more things that didn’t happen."
"I know the voices aren’t real, but sometimes their ideas are just too good to ignore."
"I’m surrounded by idiots."
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"People are like onions. You have to peel them back layer by layer to understand."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"It's not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I don’t need you to love me. I love me. I love me so much, I could kiss me."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"As I get older, I remember more things I probably should have forgotten."
"I thought I was a great cook, then I followed a recipe!"
"I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!"
"I don't know why I’m so afraid to go to bed at night- it’s not like I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of the people in my dreams!"
"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
"My therapist told me a time machine is the best cure for my depression, but I have to wait a minute to get one."
"If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done."
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by."
"Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright."
"I am not arguing, I am just explaining why I am right."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I told my wife the truth. I said, 'I’m not going to be home for dinner. I’m going to be at the bar.'"
"If we weren't meant to eat midnight snacks, why is there even a light in the fridge?"
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious: both are disappointed."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"I didn't fall; I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him."
"I didn't know where I was going until I got there."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"I've learned that if you don't make waves, you'll be swept away."
"Consider the rights of others before your own feelings."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"I can keep secrets, but I can't keep my mouth shut."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"I always give 100% at work: 13% on Mondays, 23% on Tuesdays, 30% on Wednesdays, 25% on Thursdays, and 9% on Fridays."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt."
"I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I take a lot of pride in being myself. Nobody can be me as well as I can."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I wish I could see you again, but sometimes I feel like I'm too busy for my friends."
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