104 result(s) for Funny Quotes.
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"Why do they call it rush hour, when nothing moves?"
"I'm not upset about gaining weight over the holidays. I'm upset about the fact that I wasn't trying to gain weight."
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"Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
"Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is."
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."
"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
"The only time to not be afraid of change is when your baby is wearing a diaper."
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"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I'm not shy, I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you."
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I'll move in with them."
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror."
"If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
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"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research."
"I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
"I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"I enjoy growing older and wiser each day because it means I can be a better role model for my pet rock."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
"I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"I'm not clumsy, I'm just gravity challenged."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing."
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"I once cried because I had no shoes to play soccer, but one day, I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes and scored a goal."
"I remixed a remix. It was back to normal."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I am being treated for emotional problems... by my refrigerator."
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing."
"The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream."
"I failed my driver’s test twice. The first time, I missed the stop sign, and the second time I missed the stop."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"I am especially fond of socks. I collect them because I am too old to wear them."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit Kats!"
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it. But sometimes, I'm just looking for a donut."
"I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both vampires and Superman away."
"I don’t need you to be perfect. Just don’t be your average idiotic self."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I bought a clock."
"I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough."
"If people were meant to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters."
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done."
"I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I think my doctor is a quack. When I told him I was seeing a ghost, he said, “Quit staring at the wall!”"
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