114 result(s) for Funny Inappropriate Quotes.
"I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places."
"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"To err is human, but to really screw things up you need a computer."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"My therapist told me a way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I’ve finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back."
"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it."
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
"If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode."
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality."
"I didn't fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor."
"I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do, it's usually because I missed my exit."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"My therapist said time heals all wounds. So I stabbed her. Now we wait."
"I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."
"Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions?"
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"The only thing that stands between me and total happiness is reality."
"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."
"I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not you."
"If you think I'm crazy, you should see my friends."
"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had a good idea, I wouldn’t need to work."
"I have a disease, and the only cure is more cowbell!"
"I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I wish I could be as thin as my patience."
"I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I don’t have a bad attitude; I just have a low tolerance for stupidity."
"Governments change, but the cost of living doesn’t."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on energy-saving mode."
"I don’t always study, but when I do, I don’t."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"I wanted to lose weight, so I went to the beach. I didn’t lose any weight, but I found a lot of beach."
"I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"I don’t know what we’re yelling about!"
"I have the right to express my opinions, even if they’re wrong."
"Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy people?"
"I don’t need your attitude; I have one of my own."
"I am not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that."
"I've learned that if you are not five minutes early, you are late."
"Whatever you do, don’t be yourself."
"You can’t be late until you show up."
"I think my next house will have no bathrooms. In the meantime, I use them religiously."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception."
"I can't believe I just googled my own name."
"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck."
"I don’t know how to act my age; I’ve never been this age before."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed."
"You can’t make everyone happy; you’re not pizza."
"If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Sure, I mistyped a few words. But I didn’t create a whole new language."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him. Now we wait."
"I'd explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home."
"The only fool bigger than the person who Maltese out is the person who listens to them."
"I'd love to see you, but I'm out of office and unable to respond to your request at this time."
"If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"I have a wonderful make-up team. They're the same people restoring the Mona Lisa."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer."
"I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"If you think the world is bad now, just wait until it gets better."
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."
"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut."
"When all else fails, there's always delusion."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese."
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I have a mind like a steel trap. It’s really rusty and a little bent."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"My therapist said time heals all wounds, so I was sure I’d feel better after two or three years in prison."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"At my age, I’ve seen it all, heard it all, and done it all. I just can’t remember it all."
"You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"I used to be a banker, but I lost interest."
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?"
"I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere."
"Just remember, you’re unique, like everyone else."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I’m in shape. Round is a shape."
"I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze."
"I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!"
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you. So we’re even."
"If I had a dollar for every time I had to do this, I’d be broke."
"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?