94 result(s) for Wise And Funny Quotes.
"Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
"I have a great personality and a wonderful sense of humor - I'm just not very funny."
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end."
"I don’t suffer from insanity — I enjoy every minute of it."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. We didn’t talk about it yet."
"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!"
"If you want to be right, you have to be willing to be wrong."
"I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
"I can't be saying no to the world; I have to tell them I love them."
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
"I was going to take over the world, but I overslept."
"If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people."
"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"I am an early bird and a night owl... so I’m wise and I have worms."
"I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
"I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"There are no problems, only solutions."
"The only thing standing between me and my goal is the little voice in my head that says I can’t do it."
"The only thing I know is that I know nothing."
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
"I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
"Confucius say: Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
"There are no mistakes, only experiences."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"Some graduate with honors, some graduate with debt."
"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."
"I am on the patch to becoming a better person, but I keep hitting the same potholes."
"I can resist anything except temptation."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If you think you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning."
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
"I've learned that if you love life, life will love you back."
"It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer."
"I told my therapist about my procrastination problem. We didn't work on it yet."
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."
"As you get older, three things happen: The first thing is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
"The older I get, the better I was."
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes."
"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."
"I am not lazy. I am on energy-saving mode."
"A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure."
"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"The best way to predict the future is to create it."
"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble."
"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
"I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so."
"My therapist said that time heals all wounds, so I went home and stabbed myself in the leg."
"There are two types of people in this world: those who think they can and those who think they can’t. They are both right."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
"The greatest leaders are not necessarily the ones who tell you what to do, but rather the ones who inspire you to do it yourself."
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else."
"The problem with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun."
"You never realize how dull your life is until you have to think of a caption for a photo."
Can't find the quotes you're looking for?
